if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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