forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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