nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
did you just send me my own nude
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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