Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
