I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
