I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
