i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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