if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
