with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
