My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
