So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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