Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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