I cockslap morals
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
