I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
