I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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