My sheets look like a crime scene.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
