I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
