I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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