i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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