you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
