fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This is classic penis vs brain.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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