I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
