I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
