remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
