do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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