I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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