Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
