This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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