Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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