I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
