All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
