wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
