so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
