Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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