it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
