dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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