What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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