i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
