I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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