I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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