How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
