Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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