Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
