Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
