if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need a beard to bite.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
