Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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