.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This is classic penis vs brain.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
His nipple licking is glorious
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