Everything about him screamed your future.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
