nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
