he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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