did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I smell stomach acid.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
